Posted in Family, Friends, Personal, Photography, Relationships, Travel

Massive Anxiety and Homesickness: The Ultimate Turning Point

*Written yesterday morning, starting at nearly 3 a.m.*

A few weeks ago, I had to abruptly say goodbye to Calumet City for good. I won’t go into details on what happened, but let’s just say that it wasn’t how I planned on leaving that suburb.., especially not with Touré, Matt, and Nick. Now, I’m living with family until October or November. If I have to stay longer than that…, then I am gonna go emotionally insane.. to the point of going back into massive depression (Better way to put it then what I was REALLY possibly gonna say).

There are times (Even though this very moment at 3 in the morning… I really need to go back to sleep, but my mind is really scrambled, and I’m crying my eyes out at the moment, due to being homesick out of the blue, and of course.. those freakin OHKO (Abbreviation for One-Hit KO. Fissure, Horn Drill, and Guillotine) moves in Gen 1 Pokémon… ;_; darn childhood fear) where I become really homesick as of lately, and it’s been making me very upset and causing HUGE anxiety. I’m really trying to get past this.. I really am, but it’s hard. Anyway…

These past few weeks have been really emotional and anxiety inducing. I just wanna thank Touré and Matt for helping me deal with this hard time, while at the same time, working on the ultimate plan for the 4 of us. With that said…

To Matt, my little brother: I don’t want you to worry about me, just cause I’ve been dealing with my anxiety all by myself as of lately. I’ve been dealing with it ever since I was a little kid, and now since I actually found other people who suffer from it (Including you) and is actually helping me cope and get through this destructive time (I call it destructive, cause at any moment, I can and will end up with a massive emotional breakdown, and trust me…, you do NOT want to be around me when that happens. If you can find a way to calm me down during that time (A hug or anything (That goes for you to, Nick and Touré!!)…, then by all means, do it). I just want to thank you for all of your help. Please bare with me as you continue to help, care, and support me, and as I do my hardest to recover and get out of my anxiety induced madness of my life. Just like you promise me that things will get better, here’s what I have to say to you: I know you’ve been dealing with a lot, but I promise you, it will get better.

October and November will be worth it.., we just gotta continue to hang on as much as we can. Love you little brother. I’ll continue to do my best to rest and take deep breaths for whenever I feel like anxiety is starting to get to me. It won’t be easy, but I will get and become better at it. I’ll always and will continue to help, care, and support you as well, cause you’re my baby brother, and just like with Touré and Nick, I’ll always be there for you.

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To Touré, my soulmate: Things will get better for the both of us. Continue to do your best at work, and your streaming, and you’ll get to your dreams in no time . Even though I’m dealing with the worst of it all (Anxiety included almost the past three weeks), I’m not gonna stop with the ultimate plan. This setback won’t stop me. I refuse to let it stop me, at all cost.

I’m slowly starting to get back to my old set, but it will take some months to fully get back there. Even after October and November, it might take me some months to get back to my old self, if not, an entirely different me. Just like with Matt and Nick, I won’t give up on them or you with becoming stronger.

We all got this, no matter what. We all gotta stick together through this horrid time, no matter what it takes. Even after that’s over, we’ll continue to look out for each other, cause you know why? We’re family. Love you babe… continue to stay strong.

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To Nick, my other little brother: I know you’re trying your hardest to get where you want to be, but you’ll get through this. The four of us will do so. Keep continuing to push through this hard time, and with your streaming, and I promise you (Just like I told Matt and Touré), things will get better. I’m starting to slowly dig my way out of my anxiety induced madness, and even though it’s hard right now to get out of it, I won’t stop until I have gotten myself out of it. I’ll get better within time… I promise. Love you little bro. Stay strong. I’ll do the same…

Not only for you, Touré, and Matt…,

…but for myself.

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Posted in Events, Family, Fashion, Friends, Holiday, News, Photography, Relationships, Travel

Crazy 2018 Update: Deaths, Parades, and More

20180225_203736*A few weeks ago…  it was the best day of our lives, despite Matt having a family emergency. Also, this is one of a few times you see me without my glasses.*

20180128_190131*January was awesome and saddening. Despite the death of my grandfather, my little brother Matt and I (Along with our brothers, Josh and Steve) met X-Pac!! He was very cool!*

20180219_220115*During the weekend of Black Panther last month. Wakanda forever!*

20180224_155415*Touré and I will be celebrating our 3 year anniversary this summer. 3 years and going strong*

Okay, first off.. I just wanna say, happy 2018… well, kinda happy 2018.. for me, it is. Also, happy belated Chinese New Year (The year of the dog!). My little brother and I went to check out the festival in Chinatown (We’re going there more often!). I’m kinda excited about what 2018 has in store for me, my baby, and my brothers. At the same time, however… I really don’t wanna think about it. Without further ado, here’s what has been going on ever since my last blog post (Which has been a long time, so sorry for the very long update. Been extremely busy with work and other family matters, of course).

January: What started out as a very good month (With me, Josh, Matt, Lawrence, and Steve going to Duffy’s to see Royal Rumble and to meet X-Pac), turned out to become very tragic. On January 18th, I found out that my grandfather passed away, due to cardiac arrest. It was a shocking blow to the family. I tried to become strong (Mostly succeeded, but kinda stumbled back at times. Touré  and Matt (..and my family at my job and church) helped me get through it. Thanks guys!!), but hey… I done it. Also, this month has helped me become closer to my little brother, Matt. Our bond has been strong before, but now.. it’s becoming a lot stronger, and I’m grateful for it.

20180128_221744*Just little ol me. I decided to have my birthday party here, since Survivor Series will be on what else? My birthday. There’s gonna be a little surprise on that day as well. Stay tuned!*

20180128_180001*Lawrence, Steve, Josh, Matt, and I*

20180128_183600*Josh, Matt, and I*

20180128_221932*Steve, Matt, and Josh*

20180128_222102*One big sibling photo—ahh, photobomb, lol!!*

February: Last month was okay, except for the fact that the gang and I went to go see Black Panther! I also got to see Touré, Nick, and one of their brothers. It was fun! Also, it was one of the best months ever thus far.. Matt and I went to go to Chinatown for the Chinese New Year parade. Even though we missed the big parade, we actually caught a little treat during the after parade. Being part Chinese, this is the most exciting day that I always end up looking forward to.

20180219_214720*Wakanda forever!!*

20180219_215240*One of 3 favorite little brothers*

20180219_215033*Little brother*

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20180219_215924*People who seen the movie decided to take a pose to show their love to the movie.*

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20180225_171226*Matt and I in Chinatown. It was so awesome!*

20180225_163300*The people disguised as dragons go into shops as a symbol of good luck within the year.*

20180225_163324 *Dragon dance*

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20180225_163805*A shot of downtown*

20180225_164128*Gift shop*

20180225_172703*Heading out of Starbucks*

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20180225_173251*Lanterns. Also, the other side of Chinatown*

20180225_173319*We’re crazy, and we love it like that!*

20180225_173415*My outfit. In China, red symbolizes good luck.*

20180225_173439*Yea, we’re totally crazy when we feel like it. When we’re not acting crazy…*

20180225_173508*We’re just your average, awesome siblings (Not related by blood, however. I wish, so, but hey… close enough. Best day ever.*

March: Already this month has been nothing, but a mix of good and bad.., but mostly bad, so far. Good: I finally got my iPod Touch! Yea, my iPod Nano got defective again, so it was time for an upgrade. It is so awesome! Bad: I’m moving into a new suburb…, but it’s not the reason that I wanted. There has been a situation that happened today (Not gonna say, due to personal issues), so for now…, I’m temporary staying in said suburb. It won’t be long though… I’ll have my own space soon. Just gotta take things one step at a time…

One step at time. Just gotta keep my faith up, and keep on moving.

Posted in Events, Family, Food, Friends, Games, Personal, Photography, Relationships, Travel

Chapter 28: Weekend Bash

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Four days ago, I reached the next chapter in my life: Chapter 28. It was amazing, despite the weather being rainy and stressed out early in the day. Anyway, Saturday was my actual birthday, and to me… the most boring part was just to wait on a certain time to get my birthday dinner started (Touré being there made it less boring, but waiting for the time to pass by was just ever-so-boring!!).

Later in the afternoon, we gathered up with one of our brothers to Applebee’s. It was pretty good, but the really fun part started as soon as we left. We decided to meet up with the others at Galloping Ghost Arcade (Almost everyone didn’t show up until a little after 8, due to last minute changes).

20171118_181525I decided to go there for once, cause it was a time for a change.

20171118_182454They actually have 500+ games now, and the raised the entry fee price (Not by much, however).

20171118_182733My darling soulmate

20171118_182756My brother Darius and I

20171118_183032More classic games!!

20171118_185317They have the interactive games up and running now

20171118_185325Next time, I’ll try these games. They look pretty cool

20171118_191328Touré and I 🙂

20171118_191416Another shooter game.. I’m a huge fan of these games! I also played Deathsmiles, Nemesis, Gradius II and III.

20171118_202919This is a new game.. I can’t wait to play it next time I come here!

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20171118_211300I actually played this game. It was so fun.. they actually have it in 2D and 3D. I decided to go for 3D this time.. man, was it fun!

20171118_2142593D glasses

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20171118_211447Once Josh came, then the party started going crazy!! He and Touré were playing Pong.. or should I say, “Ghost Pong”!! *Thank you AVGN!!*

20171118_214122Josh and Darius playing Sailor Moon.. which I didn’t even know about it until I came round to see them play

20171118_222819The last part was a HUGE surprise: Not only did me and Touré’s sister Shirley came (One with the grey scarf, right next to me), but our other sister Stanesha (Behind me) and our brother Nick (Tallest one in the back) came as a surprise!! I was in tears (On the inside).. that made the surprise party so awesome!! I hope next year will be as awesome as this year!!

*Ahem* now onto the next day: The day after my birthday was just another usual day.. I went to church, got home, ate, and decided to wait until a few hours later to meet up with Josh and my other brother Matt for this awesome WWE Survivor Series bash in Chicago. Once we all met up, we decided to carpool and head to Lincoln Park to this bar and grill.

20171119_170138Hello Lake Shore Drive.. I’m back (Sadly not yesterday when I turned 28, but still.. I’ll accept it).

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20171119_172547Matt, Steve, Rachel, and Josh, and I

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20171119_183831If you’re wondering where we were having the party, it was at Duffy’s Bar and Grille. It was very awesome! I hope to go there again! If you ever get a chance to go to Lincoln Park, I highly recommend Duffy’s Bar and Grille. Side note: You’ll have to be 21+ to enter.

20171119_184411The food was really good!

20171119_193531Fu.. sion.. HA!! Lol DBZ reference.

Anyway, this weekend bash was just totally awesome.. better than last year’s (Although last year was pretty good as well). What will chapter 28 bring for me this and next year?

Well… we should see. For now, I’ll just enjoy it.. one day at a time.

Posted in Events, Friends, Relationships, Travel, Work

Transitioning Into A New Reality, Part Three: The Final Goodbye

“I have something to say to everyone: Today is my final day working here. I just want to thank you all for an amazing (Thinking: ..but horrible, stress-inducing, somewhat unbearable) 8 years of me working here. It was a hard decision, but the time has come for me to move on. All of ya are like family to me, and I appreciate all of ya have done. I will miss you all (Thinking: ..but I will def NOT miss working here. Thank freakin GOODNESS I am leaving here for good! Yes, yes, yes!!). *Tries to hold back tears* Thank you all, and don’t worry.. I will visit ya. I promise. Goodbye everyone (Thinking: ..and good freakin riddance to working here!!).. I love  and miss you all”.

Person 1: “Don’t go”!!

Person 2: “You’ll be deeply missed”.

Person 3: “Don’t cry, cause then you’re gonna make me cry”!

Person 4: “I’ll miss you. Good luck with your journeys and your new job. Promise you’ll visit us”?

Person 5: “Don’t go.. we need you to stay here with us”!!

Person 6: “We love and will miss you too”.

Me: “Now don’t ya cry.. ya gonna make me cry as well”!!

*Hugs and tears flow down many eyes*

These last two weeks has been very emotional. I dreaded this day, but at the same time, I felt…

Calm.

Like, I knew this day would come, but I was prepared for it… physically, somewhat mentally, but not emotionally. I will miss everyone working here.. including the new people. What I won’t miss though, is working here. The location? Eh… probably not, since it’s almost in the middle of nowhere. This is my final day working here, and so I say..

Goodbye, and good riddance. Goodbye Crete, and hello Shorewood. Goodbye everyone…

*Tearfully* I’ll miss you all.

Posted in Events, Family, Friends, Photography, Relationships, Travel

Scotty and Ashley’s Baby Shower

Monday was a total blast. Not only did I had fun at my friends’ baby shower, but I also made a few friends… and became twins with the expectant new Mum!

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20170324_125547Gifts for baby Ryker.. from Touré and I. Sadly he couldn’t make it that day, but he was with us in spirit. Also, Scotty and Ashley are having a boy. His name is gonna be Ryker (I seriously want to nickname him  Ryker Stryker, cause of that…).

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20170327_152501The food was great.

20170327_152615It was located at Veteran’s Park, bout… 5-7 mins from my house.

20170327_152740I seriously can’t wait until baby Ryker gets here.. I’m gonna be an awesome Godaunt… or Godmom.. or whatnot.

20170327_154657My new friends goofing around

..and now I present to you: A few of tons of presents for baby Ryker:

20170327_164926‘Straight outta mommy’.

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20170327_16543320170327_165440*I’m the boss*20170327_165453

20170327_16550620170327_16551920170327_16552920170327_165542‘That’s it! I’m texting Grandma!’

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20170327_165614I would’ve had more pictures of the gifts, but my phone died in the process… boo. 😦

20170327_173720Scotty, Ashley (Holding the balloons), and their family

20170327_173746My new best friend (..and twin sister) Ashley and I. Funny thing is, her first name is my middle name! Also, another awesome thing is: When we first met, we instantly clicked! How cool is that?!

Now a few photos that Scotty took:

17553404_1491319877559009_1174992424011746218_nAsh and I

17626114_1491319827559014_6452636234184773207_nWe actually do look alike.. even Scotty and my coworker Rhonda told me the exact same thing. I’m too excited!

17629634_805649479587735_5406782107089260447_nFinal picture: Cat and Ash.

I just wished Monday would’ve been slower…, but it’s okay. I’ll see them again soon (..and making sure that Touré’s there too to meet them). I’m still excited to meet little Ryker next month.

Now time to patiently await for the arrival of my Godson.. or, Godnephew.

Posted in Events, Fashion, Food, Friends, Games, Photography, Relationships, Travel

My First Wedding Shower

Before I begin, I would like to say something: Daylight Savings Time is finally here (Unless you’re in Arizona, of course). We ‘spring forward’ one hour, which means we lose one hour of sleep and so on. Hey, at least the good news is that it stays lighter, longer.

Anyway, Saturday was a day to remember. I went to my first wedding shower, and let me just say.. it was awesome, especially when the soon-to-be bride and groom, their friends, family, and I were cleaning up the mess after it was over. I gotta say, it was too funny.

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20170311_000950These were the gifts I brought them. They really liked it.

20170311_131805Inside the community center where they had their wedding party.

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20170311_131957We played a few games, including this one, the Don’t Say ________ game, and the ‘Mewlywed game’, which is like the Newlywed game, but without the newlyweds and stuff.

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20170311_132307Save the date!

20170311_132331When I got there, it was only a few gifts on that table. At the end, it was a bunch. Let’s just say that I can’t wait until Touré and I have our own wedding shower!

20170311_133415The soon-to-be bride and groom, AunaLisa and Russell. Fun fact: They’re actually worship members of the choir that I’m in. Also, one of the choir members made the fruit cake tower.

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20170311_133539The Don’t Say _______ game.

20170311_134126Closer look at the fruit cake tower

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20170311_180110Me

20170311_180247After the party, when we all cleaned up and had a lot of good laughs doing so. Also, the soon-to-be bride and groom and their friends. Congrats to them on their soon-to-be wedding! I look forward to attending there!

Posted in Events, Personal, Photography, Relationships, Travel

Relieving Anxiety: Taking A Walk Through the City and Lake

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Today was a much needed day outside in the city, all thanks to my Zozo. 🙂

We spent most of our time in the Loop and Lake Shore Drive. We actually went to The Field Museum… a bit too late, cause the door closed at 5, and we got there two minutes before closing. We were kinda bummed, but we decided to go there again this summer.. much earlier than noted.

I ended up feeling really better after talking to Zozo. In fact, my anxiety went away as we talked and walked for the day. It was much, much needed.

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20170218_161353We ended up going through the play garden for the very first time. It look so much fun, but we ended up walking through it while playing Pokémon Go.

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20170218_165448The Field Museum

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20170218_165916From the Museum Campus, the view of the Chicago Skyline is just gorgeous.

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20170218_174721Waiting for the CTA train to arrive.

I found the one thing that makes my anxiety go away, and that is taking a walk downtown and on the Lakefront. Today proved just that, too. I love Chicago Loop, Lake Shore Drive, and most importantly, the love of my life.

Posted in Family, Personal, Relationships

Feeling On The Verge of Failure

What do I have to do in order to overcome this mix of depression and anxiety? What else do I have to do to truly prove to two people that I can stand up for myself? I’m sick and tired of it all. Also, to top it all off…

My anxiety is emerging again. I’m already dealing with a lot of stress, doing my hardest to get my life on track, and to make a better life for Zozo and I. I’m only human, can’t they understand that?

Somedays I just want to move away from it all, and just start all over, and I’m on the verge of doing so… all because I feel like a failure, not only to myself, but to the love of my life. It may seem like I’m not, but it feels like I am.

To my babe, I’m sorry for putting you through this for the past two years. Just at least understand that even though I’ve been doing my hardest to stand up for myself, some people (Like a certain parent) just don’t want to listen. I’m tired of speaking my mind to them. If I have to once again, prove to you that I can stand up for myself (Even if it means cursing both you and the parent out just to get my point across), then so be it. Be warned: It will be the final time I will speak about this. I’m not holding back either.

To the parent, I love you, but this time, it’s my way or the highway. If I have to move out and move on with my babe, or alone… then so be it.

Posted in Events, Family, Food, Friends, Games, Photography, Relationships, Travel

YouTube Gaming Family Meetup

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Sunday, September 18th, 2016.. Brookfield, IL.. this is the day that I will never forget this moment.

Sunday was also the day where I started my very first play at my church: The White Throne Judgment. I was singing in the choir during both days (Saturday and Sunday).. it was really fun. I’m gonna be singing again tomorrow night at 7 p.m.

After the service was over, I decided to pick up my awesome friends, cause one of the YTG (YouTube Gaming) streamers was visiting his family during the week, so we all decide to meet up at this place called Galloping Ghost Arcade.

20160918_161449So many games… and yes, there are about 450 games in all, from the 80’s and early 90’s, and of course.. pinball and Japanese games!!

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20160918_161631There’s a Primal Rage shirt that I wanted so bad…, but it’s for display only.

20160918_162337A little Japanese game that I found

20160918_162342Two of the streamers, Chris Plays Games (The one with the propeller hat) and Kodzo (Playing the third pinball game to the left. Oh, and that’s actually my babe, by the way).

20160918_162736He was so focused on this game.

20160918_163151One of my favorite games: Gradius III: From Legend to Myth. Gradius IV is another fun game to play. They also have Gradius II: The Ambitions of Gofer (Or Gofer’s Ambitions. Either translation is fine).

20160918_163748Of my my brothers was playing DragonBall Z game, since DBZ is his favorite anime.

20160918_164729Afterwards, we went to this place called Tony’s Family Restaurant. They had great food there.

20160918_165834If you’re into retro and modern games, then check out Chris Plays Games! He’s another awesome streamer on YouTube and YTG!

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20160918_171952Food… and lots of it!

20160918_182811So afterwards, we went back to the arcade to play some more games, and did a live stream as well. Oh, and guess what I found.. Tempest!!

20160918_185524The awesome YTG family and my awesome soulmate: Me, (Chris Plays Games (Propeller hat), Narrcost (Star Wars shirt), Kodzo, Yuhi (Zelda hat. She’s 1/3 of the group Good Luck Gamers (GLG)), Son Goshaku (Giving the two thumbs up), Snake, Nicole, and Craig Plays (At the end with the hat. He’s part of the PG gaming family called the Bromingos). Be sure to check all of them out on YouTube and YTG!

20160918_195541Snake, Yuhi, Kodzo, and I were playing this game called F-Zero: AX. It was fun.

20160918_201354My babe and I. We all had a blast that day. 🙂 In fact, we decided to make this an annual event.

So yea, this was the absolute best day ever.. can’t wait to meet more streamers soon!

Posted in News, Personal, Relationships, Work

When Life Knocks You Down, Get Back Up

Finally I get a chance to do a huge update on here, and boy… a heck of a lot has been going on since then.

First off, I just wanna say, happy Lunar New Year (Or Chinese New Year, however you wanna say it). It’s the year of the monkey! Also, happy Mardi Gras to you all! I hope 2016 is getting to a good start for all you readers and viewers!

My 2016 isn’t going so good for me so far, but I will say that I am hanging on here. I have been trying to overcome my anxiety issues (It’s slowly becoming obsolete, but I’ve been having a bit of a fall back several times, but I am starting to become stronger as an after effect). As far as Touré and I go, we are actually doing really well, despite all of the recent setbacks that have been occurring as of lately.

This Friday is Touré’s last day of work. The reason being is cause his job is moving to a new suburb, one that is too far for him to get to at this time (Cause he’s still in school, currently). Until he graduates out of college (Which won’t be until the next two years), he’ll be out of a job. It’s been kinda hard on us (Me, actually, cause this is the first that has happened to me.. having my significant other losing his job, cause of situations that are out of his control), but we are actually getting through it. The good news is that he is doing live streaming on YouTube, and he is making some money off of that (Slowly, but surely), so that’s helping him and I out. He is almost to 500 subscribers (He actually calls it his people to entertain), so that’s helping out a lot.

As for me, I’m actually considering transferring to a university and finishing my bachelor’s degree there. Originally, I was gonna become a nurse, but the more I think about it, the more it’s becoming clear to me. Why am I taking one step forward, but a bunch of steps back? I need to get my bachelor’s degree and go on for my MBA, so I can start my career and have a better life for Touré and I (Also, he’s doing the same thing, as well). To be honest, we would like to live in either downtown or the north side of Chicago, but because his job is now going to the Northwest suburbs (..and my job is more than likely gonna be in Chicago), we’re trying to meet in the middle and figure out a solution that will make us happy (Apartment-wise). For now, we’re gonna concentrate on the present, and focus on the important stuff, like ACEN (Ah, Amine Central.. the event that we hope to go to this May, if everything goes through), and to me, finding a full time job and getting back to school.

It has been a huge roller coaster for me this past month, but I am keeping my balance in life, and trying to stay focused on becoming a better and happier me. Less stress, less anxiety, and less crying over stuff that is out of my control. This year, I am gonna fully make that change. Not just for me, but for Touré. By the way, all of these tests and such are making us stronger, not only as a couple, but as individuals. I’m really proud to call him my true soul mate (Also the best boyfriend I ever had as well, and I truly mean it).

Speaking of which, we are actually celebrating our first Valentine’s Day this weekend. Saturday, we are going to Steak and Shake for our Pre-Valentine’s Day date. Sunday, we are going to the movie theater to see Deadpool. I gotta admit, I’m actually excited about Valentine’s Day. All of the other V-Days that I had with my exes.. some were decent, most were bad, but it wasn’t one that I could say that I had the best V-Day ever. I’m hoping that this year I can say that. I will get pictures when that day comes.

I finally took some pictures of when I went to Chicago on Lunar New Year’s Eve that I can post on my photography blog. I will get em posted this week. As far as my fashion and beauty blog.. I have a bit of photos to put on as well. Those will also be posted this week as well.

Anyway, sorry bout the long wait, but like I said before, a lot has been happening in my life as of lately, and it has put me into despair (..and also risen my anxiety levels as well), but now that I am finally feeling better and starting to feel a bit more optimistic about the present day life, I’m  gonna start writing more on this blog. I have a bit of topics that I want to go over as well, but those will be for next time.

Until then, have a great day/night (It is almost midnight, Central time where I live, so I have to head to bed, cause I have work in the evening, and lots of errands to do in the morning)!