Posted in Personal, Relationships

Day 27: I Don’t Trust Myself Anymore

I don’t trust myself anymore. I lost all faith and trust in myself. Face it, I always screw up almost everything that comes my way. I mostly screw up relationships most of all, cause of me being a complete impatient brat. I shouldn’t be in relationships anymore, cause I always screw things up. Now, whenever we start to argue (When we do), I always want to run to the opposite direction, finding someone to help heal me. That’s now a big mistake. Now, once we get back into the relationship, and when we argue, I’m gonna need help.

Before that happens, first, lemme ask you this:

You say that you trust me, but how can you trust me when all I done was to hurt you 3 times throughout our relationship? You shouldn’t trust me at all. In fact, we shouldn’t be talking at all, but I know that you’ve been missing me a lot since I made that costly mistake 3 years ago, and you wanted to repair our relationship now, but still… I don’t deserve it all. I don’t deserve you, or anyone else.

Still.. I don’t trust myself right now, cause I know in my heart that once I go into a relationship, I’m gonna revert back to my old ways, and I’m gonna end up hurting that person. My mistakes will never get past me. I’ll never learn from my past mistakes. That’s why I can’t trust myself anymore, cause of my past mistakes. When I finally get a chance to show you that I love you and regain your trust back (I know it’s gonna take a long time, but I’m willing to do whatever I can to regain your trust), then that’s when I’ll finally start to trust myself again. For now… I won’t be able to trust myself for a while, maybe even a long time.

I lost all trust in me when I found out that I made the biggest mistake in my life. Still… I hate myself for what I put you through,  and I never thought that realizing what I put you through all those years will end up biting me in the end. I feel like I lost my one true best friend that I’ve known for almost 10 years. Even though we’re still best friends, I still feel like I lost you as the true guy I love. I don’t know what to say or do anymore. I know you want to repair our relationship, but when do you want to get back with me as your girlfriend…, it’s gonna take a while, maybe a long time to take things back to the way it used to be.

When am I gonna start trusting myself? I don’t know.. it’s gonna take a while, maybe a long time to finally start trusting myself. Once I start getting my stuff together (Car, full time job) and get an apartment, then we can start over with our relationship from anew, and start moving forward with our lives. For now, I need to learn how to trust myself again, regain your trust, move on with the past, and learn from my mistakes. It’s gonna be a long time, but I’m willing to regain that trust back, and to do everything in my power to make this relationship work again, for good. This time, I’m not leaving you for anything. I’m willing to stand by your side through thick and thin, and whenever we argue, or have any problems in the relationship, then I’m willing to make it work as well. I’ll help you in any and everyway I can possible. That’s my promise to you.

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I'm just a photographer, nerd, gamer, rebel, and fashionista who speaks in 6 and sings in 11 different languages.

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