Posted in Personal, Relationships

Day 13: Why Must You Hurt My Soul?

For the past several days, I’ve been busy working, and recently, I’ve been cleaning my room and parts of the apartment (I don’t have my own apartment yet.. my Mum and I live in one), so I haven’t been posting on here since day 4 of me being single.. sorry everyone. Last week was one of the luckiest and best weeks I ever had yet, since becoming single. No, I didn’t go on a blind date or anything like that. I was out with friends and some stuff at work made the week being so lucky.

My brothers and sister have been checking up on me, seeing how I was doing, and so was my exes. It was nice of em to do that to me. I really appreciated it a lot. Ever since day four, I’ve been trying to think positive, and it was working… until this week, when I was talking to one of my exes, and he kept on bringing up my mistakes, and how much I hurt him and his family. Okay, I realize that I made the absolute worst relationship mistakes of my life, but I promise that I won’t do it again this time. I vow not to make those mistakes again.. and if I do, then I’ll pay the ultimate price: Possible suicide. Dead serious.

Anyway, if there is one thing I have to ask and say to my first ex, it’s this:

“Why must you hurt my soul by continuing to bring up my past mistakes in our relationship? I DO realize I wasted 6 years of our love to lie, cheat, and go with my current ex, but we all make mistakes. Why can’t you understand that? Do you realize how hard your words are penetrating my soul to the point of deep depression, and possible suicide?! I was doing fine until last week, when you put those words into my head.. more like etched. I mean, come on now! You’ve been doing this since April, and at first, I did tell you why I did those things, but it’s July now! I’m not gonna tell you over and over again why I did those things, even though you do like to collect information, but still! I’m not gonna repeat myself over and over, just so you can use them against me.

I really had enough of explaining to you asking me why I made those mistakes in the past, and what I’m gonna do to improve them and our relationship. I know I’m gonna get a final chance in this relationship, but if you keep hurting my soul, then I’m not gonna date you, until you stop demanding me to explain to you why I made those mistakes.

Why must you hurt my soul so much, to the point of deep depression?! I’m prone to depression, you know?! It got so bad, that I kept on thinking about committing suicide at one point, cause you keep on asking me about my past mistakes. I even told you over and over again that if I make those mistakes again, then I’m gonna commit suicide, and I will too. You’re not gonna put me into rehab, cause by the time you do so, I will be dead. I even had a dream once where you lied and cheated on me with one of our friends, as revenge for what I done to you in the past. As a result, I hung myself. I would’ve die, but our ‘friend’ saved my life. As I came to in the hospital, I told you and her that I am through with both of you, for good. When I woke up, my mind was speechless. I really didn’t know what to think anymore.. and guess what? That was this Tuesday that I had that nightmare. With that said, I must ask you this:

Do you really want me to continue to go down that depressive path, to not let me and my soul heal completely and to not learn from my past and become a better person and a better girlfriend? Do you want me to continue to tell you that I want to commit suicide if I make the same mistakes like last time, every time you bring up my past?? Do you not want me to be with you?! Do you not want to have a future with me?! Most importantly, do you want to lose me as your best friend and possibly soon to be girlfriend?! If you don’t, then I suggest that you change by stop bringing up the past, and let me and my soul heal for once! If not, then say goodbye to me.. forever. It’s your choice… dude. If you want this relationship to work once we get back together (That is, if I decide to get back with you. After the last time you brought back my past, I’m reconsidering my thoughts about dating you for the 3rd and final time), then I highly suggest that you start to slowly let go of the past hurts, focus on the future between us and your future, and heal yourself and your soul from within. Once you do those three things, then I’ll date you one more time.

For now, we gotta start healing ourselves from within, and start becoming better people.. for ourselves, and for each other. It might take months or at least a year to fully heal from the past hurt (..and possibly years to heal the soul), but if we work together on repairing this relationship, ourselves, and our souls, then we’ll have a chance to be together for a very long time. I’m willing to make this relationship work this time, for good. I’ll be a much better girlfriend and woman than last time.. I vow, and I promise from the bottom of my heart”.

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I'm just a photographer, nerd, gamer, rebel, and fashionista who speaks in 6 and sings in 11 different languages.

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