Posted in Friends, Personal, Relationships

Growing Up the Hard Way

I’m finally starting to grow up… I now realize that I need to let go of my current relationship, cause I’m tired of having Karma biting me. Now I realize my past mistakes, and I’ll do everything in my power to not make them again once I get back with my ex.

Yes Erik did lie to my face twice in a row, and yes I made a mistake by not letting him go with me to get Lawrence that Thursday, but I learned my lesson. How much longer do I need to endure Karma’s wrath? As long as it takes me to realize my huge mistakes, which is now. If I continue to take in Karma’s wrath, then needless to say, I’m gonna continue to be in it, cause you know what? I deserve it. I deserve it all.. I deserve being cheated (Even though he hasn’t done so, and I know he says he won’t do so, but still) and lied to.. multiple times.

I know my sisters Ari and Toya told me that I don’t deserve all of this, in my heart I do. Once they (Including my brothers) hear the truth, then they will see for themselves that I deserve what I gotten from Erik.. they will know. Even though in my mind that I don’t want the truth to come out, because I might lose more than my boyfriend (I may lose my true friends as well, as well as my ex), my heart tells me that it’s time.

Question is: Once the truth is out, will I recover from it all? Will I have the strength to rebuild my relationship with my ex, if he still wants to make this relationship work again, to put the past behind us once and for all? Will my brothers and sisters stick with me when the truth comes out? Can I put the past behind me without it ruining my present, and my future? Most importantly…

Will I be able to overcome my demons, overcome my need for constant attention from everyone around me, being impatient when other people are getting their lives together and I’m not, and stop trying to rush things and relationships so early? I sure hope so.

My heart is telling me that “it’s time to start rebuilding your life and get back with your ex so you and him can start rebuilding your relationship together, and put the past behind once and for all”, but my mind is telling me to “keep your boyfriend and work it out. Despite you being lied to by him twice already, I say stay with him, cause you need Karma to bite you hard… as hard as she can for all the pain and suffering that you put your ex in. After you feel the pain and suffering from your boyfriend (And the breakup afterward) then you can start rebuilding your life with your ex. Until then, keep on suffering”.

So now since I’m 24, halfway through 25, I’m finally starting to realize that I need to grow up. It’s indeed a painful cycle, just as painful as changing, breaking up with your ex, losing a loved one, ect., but somehow, you gotta look in the mirror, and tell yourself that you need to change your ways. If you’re unhappy with your life, relationships, whatever, you gotta start changing. Remember Michael Jackson’s song Man in the Mirror? Yea, if you want to make the world (Even your life) a better place, take a look at yourself, and make that change.

My life isn’t going anywhere at this moment, and it’s all cause I’m stuck in my childish ways. I mean.. I’m 24 going on 13 for Pete’s sake! Yea it’s good for my fashion sense and whatnot, but in life itself, it’s not good. I’m gonna start changing for the better, and it will start now. Even though it’s gonna be very painful at first (And believe me, it is painful, cause I’m slowly starting to change my life now, and I know that I need to remove some very toxic things in my life), but in the end, I know it’s gonna be worth it.

I’m not gonna rush into the relationship with my ex this time, just I did with my current boyfriend. I’m gonna be patient, start seeking respect instead of attention, stick it out with him, no more cheating and lying. Being faithful and praying to God (Through good and bad times) from now on will be my very first priority in the relationship, as well as gaining my ex’s trust back.

Here starts the road to recovery on my life and relationship.

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Author:

I'm just a photographer, nerd, gamer, rebel, and fashionista who speaks in 6 and sings in 11 different languages.

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