Posted in Family, Friends, Health, Personal, Relationships, Travel, Work

Depression Does Lead to Suicidal Thoughts

Well, December is finally here.., which means that 2013 is finally coming to an end. Thank goodness, because I don’t know how much I can take much more of this. Last Sunday things almost took a turn for the worse.. even almost deadly. I was washing my scarf and gloves, cause they were very dirty, and so I decided to add a bit more fabric softener than recommended…, and boy, did it almost cost me my life. After I got through washing em, I dried em, and suddenly I got nauseous.. really nauseous. I didn’t vomit, so to speak, but inhaling too much fabric softener almost made me vomit, and even worse, pass out to the point where I felt like I almost died. Thankfully for me, I decided to step outside to get some air, and boy did it helped.. a whole lot. I took my gloves and scarf outside to let the upstairs part of the house air out. That helped out a lot.

After that was over, I felt very light-headed, so I decided to rest. It did help. Later on today, I had to work, but my emotions did not stop there. It actually got worse. Towards the end of my work shift, I thought bout having suicidal thoughts if 2014 didn’t change for the better. Nobody knows how bad my situation is. Nobody knows how horribly depressed I am. I would never thought that my depression would get that worse. Lately my Mum has been stressing out over a number of things: Work, next door neighbors, financial issues, and now, she found out yesterday even more car troubles. To get a strap under her car fixed will cost her more than $1000. Thankfully she doesn’t have to get it fixed now, but eventually she will have to get it fixed. So yea… her stressing out is making a huge impact on me, which is one reason why my depression is turning for the worse.

Mark my words though, next year my depression will disappear. I got a number of things to look forward to. I’m getting a new car, and guess what? Next summer, Melba and I are going to NYC!!! 😀 Oh I so can’t wait for it!!

For now…, I know my depression will continue for the next couple of months, but once 2014 comes, waiting for my life to change for the better will be worth it, cause it’ll come within time. Also, starting next year, I will change my life for the better. My family wants the best for me, and my cousins’ lives are getting much better, so why am I still sitting here, moping round, letting my life getting more and more depressed? One reason is cause my Mum doesn’t want me to change.. she says she wants me to change, but I see the opposite. I know she wants to move out now, but next year she will. I want my Mum to get her life together, and so does my grandfather. I hope by changing my life for the better, I can hopefully have her do the same. Besides, I’m gonna change for myself, whether she likes it or not. Now that I’m 24, I’m starting to see what I need to change in my life.

I am now considered an independent, so I have to make my own decisions from now on. Melba told me this Tuesday, and I finally see and realize what she’s trying to tell me. Because of this, she’s gonna be my inspiration to help change my life around.

Also, starting late 2014-early to mid 2015, I’m gonna be moving out. I also realize that my happiness has been about 90% drained due to living with my Mum and my job. The other 5% is due to not going to school and everything else, so my happiness is only at 5%. I’m gonna change that as well.

So everyone.. wish me luck for 2014, cause I’ll need it.. a whole lot.

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I'm just a photographer, nerd, gamer, rebel, and fashionista who speaks in 6 and sings in 11 different languages.

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